AI OVERVIEW: It's called a sermon companion. >> It's helpful to me for connecting even more with Dr. Stanley's messages. [music] >> InTouch, the teaching ministry of Dr. [music] Charles Stanley. Next on InTouch, troubled friendships. When you think about your assets, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Well, for most people, what comes to their mind are things like their finances and their possessions. But second only to your friendship with God. Your friends are the most valuable asset you have in life. Because you see, a friend is a treasure. A friend is someone who loves you. A friend is someone who loves you when you're not very lovable. A friend is someone who will catch you when you fall. Someone who will accept the worst about you and help you to become the best you can possibly be. A friend is someone with whom you can share the deepest experiences of your life every day if you choose to. A friend is someone whom when the world walks out, they're still standing there by your side. And that makes friendships very, very valuable. I read something the other day that I thought was so interesting because it describes often times something that we forget. And that is it said, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold." And when you think about friends and how long it takes us to develop real godly friendships, real genuine lasting friendships, it takes a while. And therefore, if you're late in life beginning to develop friends, you don't have long to enjoy them. Or do they have long to enjoy you? And that's why we need to take care of our friendships. We need to watch over them because the truth is a real true genuine friend is a gift of God's mercy to every one of us. And then there are those times though that when our friendships have problems, somebody walks out right when you need them or you decide that you can't continue that friendship and you decide to walk out. Or it may be that you don't value that friendship enough and so therefore as a result the friendship just sort of disintegrates and they go their way and you go your way. You don't necessarily decide to do it. It just sort of happens. But it happens for some very specific reasons. And what I want to talk about in this message is simply this. I want to talk about the problems we have in our friendship, problems we have in our relationship. And I want to talk about troubled friendships. I want you to turn to just one verse in the Bible for the simple reason that there are many verses we could talk about. And I just want you to look, if you will, in the 16th chapter of the Proverbs and the 28th verse. And notice what he says. A perverse man spreads strife and a slanderer separates intimate friends. And so often times we develop friendships that don't last. We intend for them to last but they don't. And there are some very very specific reasons why they do not last. Now how do you damage this relationship, this fellowship, this friendship? How do you damage that? Well, let's think about how you damage it. And we damage it in ways that probably we don't even realize. And the first way we damage is it is this selfishness. When I'm always looking for something to be coming my way, what can I receive? What can he or she do for me? Rather than what can I do for them? You see, if you really want to decide whether you love somebody or not, ask yourself the question, am I asking most of the time what they can do for me, how they can meet my needs, or am I primarily interested in how I can meet their need and make them happy and cause them to have joy and and help them in their relationship with the Lord or with other people. So, selfishness. You want to damage your relationship, you add that. Secondly is manipulation. Manipulation is simply another word for control. And a person who is trying to control the other person all the time. You can't build listen that will damage a friendship as much as anything. Nobody likes to be manipulated, controlled underhandedly, backhandedly controlled. Now people can control each other by by manipulating them by finances uh by the way by belittling them or they can manipulate them in other ways. They can you can manipulate people sexually. You can withhold sex from your marriage partner to manipulate them to do something for you, which is a cruel way to try to govern or control someone else' life. There are lots and lots of ways you can manipulate someone. It damages a relationship. Then of course there is jealousy. You want to damage your friendship. Jealousy says, "I'm going to hold tight to what's mine and I don't want anything to look like it's going to intrude." Well, now if you love someone and you have a genuine friendship, we're not talking about marriage partners now. We or people who are have a relationship, they're going to get married and so forth. We're talking about just genuine close intimate friends. Another kind of friends. And so if you're the kind of person who cannot stand anybody to even look like they're going to be a friend to your friend, that will absolutely ultimately destroy a relationship and a friendship. So jealousy does not work. It's very damaging. Then there's criticism. You want to destroy a friendship. Then you set your antennas out to find everything you can that displeases you and the other person. The way they dress, the way they look, the way they talk. You look for the ways that they don't they don't live up to your expectations. They don't do what you want them to do. They're always too late or too early. Uh it costs too much. It costs too little. They weren't thoughtful. They weren't this. In other words, you know what? You want to destroy a friendship, you just you just get in that critical mode and this doesn't work and I'm not pleased with that and you criticize them for this one. You know what happens after a while? They walk away. You know why? Because they can't handle it. Your friend will walk away. And if your friend is critical towards you, it after a while you think, "God, I can't hand I don't need this and I can't handle this anymore." A critical spirit is so absolutely unnecessary. If you and I were perfect. Okay. Now, is there a time to be critical? Now, listen carefully. There is a time when you and I can be critical. But that criticism ought to be criticism motivated, listen, motivated by genuine love to help the other person. Then there is covetousness. Now, covetousness and jealousy are two different things. Jealousy says, "I'm going to hold tight what I have. Don't let anybody even look like they're going to get in this relationship. Covetousness says, "I want what you have." How can you develop a friendship with someone who wants what you have? Now, maybe they say, "Well, you know, yeah, we're friends, but they want." In other words, it may be that you have more material possessions than they have. You live in a bigger house, you drive a better car, or you dress better, or you have a better job. Now, there's friendships going on. and all the time deep down inside um it's not that they just want something like yours. Next thing you know you we got jealous and covetousness all mixed up together. Then there is just absolute pure dishonesty and that is you can't trust them. You can't have a relationship with somebody you don't trust. It just doesn't work. You have to trust them. People make mistakes if they're willing to face it. Yes, you're absolutely right. I told a lie. I was I was weak at that point or I was afraid or whatever it might be. At least deal with it. Admit it, confess it, repent of it, say, you know, please forgive me. You know, or it may be that you didn't intend to say something, but you did. But when it's intended, that's dishonesty. It'll destroy a relationship. So now, let's say that you've damaged the relationship that you really and truly value. How do you retrieve it? How do you heal it? How do you get it back together? How do you get the pieces back together? How is there healing and retrieving and rescuing this hindered, broken, hurtful relationship that you really and truly cherish? How do you get it back together? So, let's think about it. How how do you handle that? Well, the first thing you do is this. You address it. You say to your friend, you know, there's something in our relationship that's not right. maybe something I did or maybe I misunderstood, but I think we have a problem and I I I I I would like for us to at least uh face it and deal with it. And I'm willing to do that. The second thing you do is determine what happened. What happened in this relationship? What was said? What was believed? What did I do? What did he do or she do? That is you determine what is it where and when did it what made it get off track when it was going so well. The third thing is this apologize. You say suppose it's not my fault. That's not even issue because it listen if the if the friendship is worth saving it's worth assuming assuming responsibility. Whatever responsibility you had maybe you say it was totally his or her fault. Let me ask you a question. If you love somebody, really and truly love somebody, does it make any difference whose fault it is? Not really. If you want to mend it, you assume responsibility. Very important. You say, you know, I want to apologize because I must have done something that caused this to happen. Now, if it if it's something the other person did and it wasn't your fault anyway, you're still winning. What are you doing? You're assuming responsibility because what you're saying is this. This relationship and this friendship is so important to me. You know what? I'm willing to take the heat. I'm I'm willing to get the whip and I'm willing I I'm willing to take the discipline. What what this relationship you know what that is? You call it unconditional love. That's what you call it. You you're willing to you you're willing to take it no matter whether you deserve it or not. It's not the issue. And so you say to that person, I apologize. I'm I'm very sorry. And the next thing you do to remember is you refuse to blame and you refuse to defend yourself. That person says, Here's what you did. I did not do anything of the sort. What's the goal? Is the goal to be right or to win the person? Is the goal to be right to save the relationship? If I don't care anything about the relationship, I can say, You know what? You're blind as a bat. That's what you did. You just projecting on me what you think. That's not true at all. And you know what? This is what caused this is this is the beginning of fellowships, relationships, friendships and marriages to go down the drain. It's not my fault, it's your fault and on and on people go what happens before long. They have so damaged their relationship somebody walks away. So what you have to be willing to say is you know whatever my part is or or I want to apologize you and so you refuse to defend yourself and then here’s what you do. you we talking about saving a fellowship relationship. You say,
YOUTUBE DESCRIPTION: What do we do when we have problems in our friendships? Dr. Stanley shares how to choose friends, according to Proverbs, and how to repair damaged friendships. Discover the building blocks that help to develop great friendships in our lives. For more messages from Charles Stanley...
